Have you ever written something and then forgotten about it? I came back to this blog that I wrote a while ago and was kind of impressed with the deepness of it... so yea, here it is... I thought I'd share it... even though I wrote it almost a year ago.
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I am sitting here, at 5:47 in the morning, disciplined enough to be awake this early to finish a paper and study for a midterm... but not necessary disciplined enough to focus.
When life bogs you down or overwhelms you, how do you really turn to God, how can you really surrender everything to him, to come before him afflicted with uncertainty, humility, burden, and doubt? I don't often find myself saying, "God, I'm unsure of you right now, so I'm going to come to You with those feelings and trust you to speak truth into my life and change my doubt into faith." But is that what the Christian struggle is, the balance between doubt and faith? I know that questioning is a part of life and trust me, I am thankful for the doubts because it means that I have a mind to struggle with questions and think independently. I often, though, stuff all of my thoughts into my head and do not let them out because thinking is too hard, to revealing, to painful... so instead I push thoughts aside and focus on the business of life, which eventually bogs me down so much that all I can do is shut down and think, long and hard about nothing but random words. Random words that do not formulate as subjects in my head, just ideas, items... they float in and out as they please and distract me from any real thought, but once they start... they do not stop. Eventually they come together as some form of thought, but with no adgenda, no structure. Once I let one little thought trickle out of that overstuffed brain of mine, let the river flow baby, its all coming out... ready or not!
