It is interesting to me how God will provide encouragement just when you need it. I feel very strongly that I am called to do ministry through music but lately I have been feeling completely incompetent, especially compared to what other people are doing around me every day. It is an amazing experience to be surrounded with such talent and great musicianship every day but occasionally it can be discouraging - if you let it.
Usually, it does not bother me at all and I just push toward my personal goals, but lately I feel that I have been constantly discouraged about my abilities. I know that this discouragement (and letting it affect me) is not of God, but sometimes I just can't help it. However, every time this has happened lately, whether it is because of my own doubting or something happens that is discouraging... something or someone comes up with encouragement for me.
It is amazing the people that God puts in our lives to be different roles... and some people are several roles. Although feeling unworthy, people have surrounded me with silent hugs, encouragement and reminders to keep on keeping on... I am NOT worthy, or competent, but God's power is made perfect through my weakness and when I CANNOT do it - i just need to remember that there is a reason for that - I CANNOT do it so that GOD CAN do it through me... All glory and honor to him - Lord keep me humble! :)
Monday, November 12, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Weary & Burdened
Have you ever written something and then forgotten about it? I came back to this blog that I wrote a while ago and was kind of impressed with the deepness of it... so yea, here it is... I thought I'd share it... even though I wrote it almost a year ago.
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I am sitting here, at 5:47 in the morning, disciplined enough to be awake this early to finish a paper and study for a midterm... but not necessary disciplined enough to focus.
When life bogs you down or overwhelms you, how do you really turn to God, how can you really surrender everything to him, to come before him afflicted with uncertainty, humility, burden, and doubt? I don't often find myself saying, "God, I'm unsure of you right now, so I'm going to come to You with those feelings and trust you to speak truth into my life and change my doubt into faith." But is that what the Christian struggle is, the balance between doubt and faith? I know that questioning is a part of life and trust me, I am thankful for the doubts because it means that I have a mind to struggle with questions and think independently. I often, though, stuff all of my thoughts into my head and do not let them out because thinking is too hard, to revealing, to painful... so instead I push thoughts aside and focus on the business of life, which eventually bogs me down so much that all I can do is shut down and think, long and hard about nothing but random words. Random words that do not formulate as subjects in my head, just ideas, items... they float in and out as they please and distract me from any real thought, but once they start... they do not stop. Eventually they come together as some form of thought, but with no adgenda, no structure. Once I let one little thought trickle out of that overstuffed brain of mine, let the river flow baby, its all coming out... ready or not!
__________________________________________________________________
I am sitting here, at 5:47 in the morning, disciplined enough to be awake this early to finish a paper and study for a midterm... but not necessary disciplined enough to focus.
When life bogs you down or overwhelms you, how do you really turn to God, how can you really surrender everything to him, to come before him afflicted with uncertainty, humility, burden, and doubt? I don't often find myself saying, "God, I'm unsure of you right now, so I'm going to come to You with those feelings and trust you to speak truth into my life and change my doubt into faith." But is that what the Christian struggle is, the balance between doubt and faith? I know that questioning is a part of life and trust me, I am thankful for the doubts because it means that I have a mind to struggle with questions and think independently. I often, though, stuff all of my thoughts into my head and do not let them out because thinking is too hard, to revealing, to painful... so instead I push thoughts aside and focus on the business of life, which eventually bogs me down so much that all I can do is shut down and think, long and hard about nothing but random words. Random words that do not formulate as subjects in my head, just ideas, items... they float in and out as they please and distract me from any real thought, but once they start... they do not stop. Eventually they come together as some form of thought, but with no adgenda, no structure. Once I let one little thought trickle out of that overstuffed brain of mine, let the river flow baby, its all coming out... ready or not!
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